Melanie: Margaret, why is my entire department locked out of their computers?

Margaret: The new security system, Melanie. The USB keys have either been lost or… well… shattered.

Melanie: Shattered?

Margaret: They’re somewhat… delicate. Like a cookie. But without the structural integrity.

Melanie: I thought security was supposed to improve with this upgrade!

Greg: Oh, it has, Melanie. The system is now so secure that not even our own staff can access it.

Melanie: But wasn’t two-factor authentication working perfectly fine on phones?

Greg: Ah, Melanie, the problem with a convenient security system is that it’s not secure. And

“the problem with a secure security system is that it’s not convenient.”

Melanie: And this is neither!

Greg: Exactly. That’s how we know it’s truly secure.

Melanie: (exasperated) But if people keep losing or breaking them—

Margaret: They can request a replacement, Melanie.

Melanie: And how long does that take?

Margaret: Currently, three to four weeks.

Melanie: THREE TO FOUR WEEKS?! How are they supposed to work?

Greg: Well, Melanie, in the meantime, we have devised an excellent solution.

Melanie: Which is?

Greg: A temporary bypass. We grant them access through their phones.

Melanie: The same system we had before?!

Greg: Yes, Melanie. But only temporarily. Until they receive a new USB key.

Margaret: Which they will promptly lose or break and restart the whole cycle again.

Melanie: So let me get this straight—our new security system has made work impossible. And it forced us back to the old system? And created a bureaucratic black hole of replacements?

Greg: Exactly, Melanie. The system is functioning precisely as designed.

Margaret: You must admit, Melanie, it’s a rather elegant inefficiency.

Melanie: Greg, tell me honestly—who approved these security enhancements?

Greg: Oh, Melanie, you did.

Melanie: I did?!

Margaret: Yes, it was in the slide deck six months ago. Under “Miscellaneous Security Enhancements.”

Melanie: You mean the deck with 127 slides?!

Greg: Security is in the details, Melanie.

Melanie: (sighs) Margaret, get me IT.

Margaret: IT will only respond to queries submitted through the secure online portal. Which, unfortunately, none of us can access.

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